Emotions: Who's in Control?

So tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of my departure to Guatemala. I've been back home for six months now and I must say, emotionally speaking, it's been one hell of a ride. Despite my best efforts to be happy, love-the-hell-out-of-life Tom, it has not been so easy.

I've found myself angrier than I've ever been at times, internally lashing out at those around me (I've managed to keep my mouth shut thankfully). Drivers I deemed dumb, friends, my family, co-workers - literally anybody could have been an alleged "cause" to my frustration. I'd blame New Jersey, it's plethora of stipmalls, suburbs, highways and hair gel. I've even gone on several "Damn I hate this country," rants; those are never rational and always a tell-tale sign that angry Tom is behind the driver's seat.

Other moments I've been carefree, letting myself get lost in whatever I am doing: playing guitar, working, reading, drinking beer with friends, etc. In those times I've been happiest. No thought of tomorrow, no thoughts of yesterday - just genuinely enjoying what life iss giving me at the time.

Those moments have usually been followed by periods of intense anxiety. Doubt inundates my brain, leaving it flailing for any kind of solution amidst the sea of unanswerable questions, questions like: Did I make a mistake going abroad? Did my philosophy major forever seal my fate as an unskilled, bottom-of-the-barrel worker? Will I ever leave my parents' basement? Obviously, these are ridiculous questions. Yet every now and then I find myself in the throes of my anxiety, giving these absurdities way too much weight.

Then there are my favorite moments: my dreamer moments. In these oft delusional moments, I revel in the thought of doing things: biking cross-country, doing stand-up comedy, making my own beer, going back to Germany. I lose myself in thoughts of what could be. They're my favorite moments for two reasons: 1) lots of times they are pretty good ideas to work towards, 2) they are utterly ridiculous (some are maybe just ridiculous).

Now, through all of these moods, I have always tried to be the same me... positive, happy and trying to make the most out of life. Yet, despite my best efforts, I've been tossed around like a beach ball at a rock concert. My moods have dictated what I believed; not vice versa. So, how much control do I really have? Do I have any power at all? I want to believe yes and that all these years of riding this roller coaster will teach me how to ride it properly. In the mean time I'm strapped in, my hands thrown into the air.